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Sunday, 17 July 2011

I Just Keep Getting Hurt (Hidup Ku Just My Life Bag 24)

I Just Keep Getting Hurt  

My ex-boyfriend and I met about 3 months ago. He just moved here from another state to take a job, but didn't know anyone out here. I had just taken a leave from school, gotten over another bad break-up, and was finally feeling like I had taken control of my life. I wasn't involved with anyone. I felt so free and happy. I was unemployed (out of school and looking for a job), but there were a lot of prospects and I had a plan.
When we met, I knew that there was chemistry, but I was extremely cautious. It felt like the same kind of chemistry I'd had with two of my previous exes, especially the last one, and that ended so badly. But my current ex pursued me relentlessly. The first night, we stayed up all night talking. Then, he was calling me the next day. About a month and a half went by where he would do anything for me, anytime, anywhere. It was almost overwhelming. To top it off, he chose not to connect with anyone else in the area, so I was the only person in his life, which I found kind of concerning.
About a month ago, things got strange. He randomly blew me off one day, accusing me of misinterpreting our plans. He'd made plans with his friend who was visiting. I left for the weekend, but when I came back, I called him. I went over and he was extremely disheveled and in a miserable mood. We hung out for a little while, but then, I left. I thought I would never see him again. There was something going on. He ended up sending me this email about how I'd hurt him by leaving, he didn't know what he was doing, and maybe we should cool things off. I talked to him and it turns out that that was NOT what he wanted. He thought I was pushing him away. He seemed happy to know that we were okay again.
Things were up and down so much after that that after one week of barely hearing from him, except for a few short emails, I decided I wanted to break things off. He wasn't the same. He constantly talked about hating the move, being homesick, his parents being messed up. He never seemed happy. I knew that he would probably be packing up and leaving soon. There was no way he was sticking it out. I just wanted out, but every time I tried to leave, he'd come back in a BIG way. He'd buy me something, shower me with attention, tell me how much he cared. The hot and cold behavior just kept escalating.
Finally, after seeing him one day, things being GREAT, and us making plans for the future months, I started to wonder again. After a discussion with my Mom, who told me that taking down online dating profiles and just saying that you're a couple doesn't establish anything, I exploded with frustration. I double-checked to see if he'd taken his down because it was his idea and he had put it back up. Confused, I confronted him. At first, he was fine, but then, he exploded. He claimed that he had only gone back on to make sure that I had taken down my profile. (We actually met through that site.) He started screaming that I didn't (I had) and then, went off on me about stuff that I never said or did. He told me that he needed a day and hung up.
Five minutes later, he'd taken down his profile and wrote me a break-up email, saying that he was probably leaving, was super-unhappy, stressed, that we should be friends, cool it, and see where we're at.
I wrote him a rational response the next day saying that I didn't want to end things, but this was a misunderstanding. I got another verbal assault about how I was duplicitous, suspicious, incompatible. You name it. It was so weird because it didn't remotely sound like the guy I had first met.
The next day, I got a nicer email saying AGAIN that he was unhappy and stressed with his life, that he didn't think this was going to work, and what were my thoughts. I didn't reply. I'd had enough. The weekend went by and on Monday, he emailed me, the subject line being something like me probably not wanting to hear from him, but here was a funny link. I replied, "Thanks."
A few days later, I cooled down and said hi. This is when the big shocker came. He was planning on bailing on his job and his lease. He was extremely depressed. He had problems with his family. Things had melted in a day. He hated himself for how he was the previous week, but he didn't want his life here, at all. He wanted to escape...and he'd been abusing drugs and alcohol behind my back. He said it got to be exhausting being normal around me because he was doing it so much. He then told me that there was no bad blood, but he still wanted to hang out. Honestly, I'd known the relationship was over for a while. I'd wanted to end it, but he kept pulling me back in. I was shocked that this was going on behind my back, even though I suspected something was up.
Now, I'm STILL shocked, hurt, angry, and confused. Part of me wants as much space as I can possibly get. I feel like I've completely lost myself throughout the relationship because I've been dealing with his problems. It's hard to do anything that makes me happy. I can hardly function. I don't want to hear from him through any medium-phone, email, you name it.
The other part of me wants to hug him and tell him that I'm there for him. I'm sure he needs support. As much as I can't deal with him, I wonder why he's separated himself from me so quickly. Like I don't matter. I try to reason with myself. He's depressed, severely, and I don't believe that he's stopped using. Right now, I'm so emotionally drained and exhausted, I don't even know how to respond to my feelings. I'm trying to just distance myself because I think if I did have any contact with him, I would be a mix bag of emotions. I have so little control over my life right now that I just need some time to heal.
Has anyone else ever experienced this or have any good advice for how to pull myself together?


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